My goal when I started this blog, was to use it as a tool to journal to both help remind me of those moments you don't want to forget, and to help motivate me to continue to strive for improvement in my life. With a history of depression and post traumatic distress syndrome I know, I have tendencies to spiral and tendencies to only see the negative.
About a month ago I joined an online parenting group focused on gratitude and how to improve your sense of it and recognize it. I started it gungho and started to feel better about the little things that I wasn't getting done. Then the holidays came, life got busy, and I let the group and assignements fall to the back burner. I told myself that I didn't have time for that I had to have the perfect family holidays. I noticed over the last 10 days that I have become increasingly short with my husband, having increased anxiety/depression symptoms. I began to realize that by not making time to keep my gratitude journal, and take time for myself I was actually in danger of losing myself. So after realizing that I had decsions to make. The primary one being how was I going to allow myself the me time needed to focus on the gratitude project. In the span of laundry, playing with Jack, working full time, cooking, and clenaing, where was I gonna find time? I struggled with this for several days.
I have come to the realization that having me time, for reflection, journaling, projects etc is not a frivolous extra rather it is a necessity to maintain both my identity and my sanity.
I am still at somewhat of a loss on how to acheive this butnowing is half the battle. My children will not be scarred by not having a spotless house, however, they will be damaged if I do not put them first above menial tasks.
My new mantra : There is no such thing as perfect parent or perfect spouse.
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Sunday, December 30, 2012
Recent Finds: Naptime Tales: New Year's Resolutions for Moms
So, I am notoriously bad with follow through, and have never kept a new year resolution. As i welcome my first New year's as a mom I am surprised at my renewed interest in resolutions. I think it comes in part from a desire to continue to evolve into the best parent I can be. It also comes in part from a trying year of struggling - struggling with am I the parent my mom was, am I a good parent, if I ask for help does that mean I am a failure and so on. So when I reopened my blog (I haven't written in it in almost 2 months) I was excited to see the following blog post that truly strikes a cord with me.
Naptime Tales: New Year's Resolutions for Moms:
Naptime Tales: New Year's Resolutions for Moms:
Thursday, November 1, 2012
The Month of Thanks.
November is often seen as a month to be thankful for what you have, and to count your blessings. I have often wondered why only one day, week, or month. Shouldn't we be thankful every day. In reading some of the blogs that I have been following I came across a couple of challenges that I think will help me.
The last couple of weeks, heck the last couple of months, have been filled with ups and downs on many levels, both professional and personal ones. I realize that I am letting life pass me by because I am to upset about the negatives. As life does not have a habit of becoming easier, and they say you are not handed more than you can handle, I can only assume that the universe is trying to teach me a lesson. The lesson to be learned is to allow the positives to have more weight than the negatives in my life.
The first challenge I am going to do is the30 day to a Better Mom challenge from the iMOM site.
30-day-mom-challenge
The second challenge is the 30 day to a better Wife challenge also from the iMOM site.
30-day-marriage-challenge
The final challenge is a year long challenge, the Abundant Mom Challenge. This one is from the awesomely awake blog. The awesomely awake site is one I have found a lot of insight and encouragement from.
http://awesomelyawake.com/
As time goes by I will share some of these challenges on my blog, others I will use jsut to become a better wife, a better mom, a better ME. Regardless, I encourage you to check them out and see if just maybe they might help you become a better you.
The last couple of weeks, heck the last couple of months, have been filled with ups and downs on many levels, both professional and personal ones. I realize that I am letting life pass me by because I am to upset about the negatives. As life does not have a habit of becoming easier, and they say you are not handed more than you can handle, I can only assume that the universe is trying to teach me a lesson. The lesson to be learned is to allow the positives to have more weight than the negatives in my life.
The first challenge I am going to do is the30 day to a Better Mom challenge from the iMOM site.
30-day-mom-challenge
The second challenge is the 30 day to a better Wife challenge also from the iMOM site.
30-day-marriage-challenge
The final challenge is a year long challenge, the Abundant Mom Challenge. This one is from the awesomely awake blog. The awesomely awake site is one I have found a lot of insight and encouragement from.
http://awesomelyawake.com/
As time goes by I will share some of these challenges on my blog, others I will use jsut to become a better wife, a better mom, a better ME. Regardless, I encourage you to check them out and see if just maybe they might help you become a better you.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Hard Week in the NICU
This last week has been hard in the NBICU. We lost 3 patients. This part of our job never gets any easier. Andrew, Rio and Amaris may be gone but they will never be forgotten by their families or by us. Their families will never be forgotten. The babies go to join Jax, Gabriel. Aaron, Bridget, and unfortunately many others.
This week I was taken by surprise when one of the families came back and gave me (and everyone who had taken care of Rio) the following story.
A wise man was accustomed to taking walks on the beach every morning, thinking of ways to change the world. One morning, he passed a boy methodically picking up starfish off the beach and throwing them into the water. He asked the boy, "Why are you doing this?" The boy replied without looking up, "It's low tide," he said, "and all these starfish on the beach will die out here in the sun." The mans smiled. "But son, this beach stretches on for miles and miles and there are thousands of starfish. Do you really think you are making a difference?" The boy grabbed a star fish, gently tossed it back into the water and then looked up at the man. "I made a difference to that one."
They finsihed the story with saying this was their way of saying thank you for making a difference in their lives and the life of Rio.
This really touched me in a way that I can't really explain. Often when having to help families say goodbye to their babies I feel a sense of failure. I often feel like I let these families down. There unfortuneately is not always things that can be done. We try our best and sometimes it is not enough. Instead of feeling like I let them down, this family reminded me that for whatever time they had him I and other members of the NICU team had made a positive impact on their lives.
So the lesson reinforced to many of us this week, is to take time to hug and love those close to you, because death can be sudden and unexpected.
This week I was taken by surprise when one of the families came back and gave me (and everyone who had taken care of Rio) the following story.
A wise man was accustomed to taking walks on the beach every morning, thinking of ways to change the world. One morning, he passed a boy methodically picking up starfish off the beach and throwing them into the water. He asked the boy, "Why are you doing this?" The boy replied without looking up, "It's low tide," he said, "and all these starfish on the beach will die out here in the sun." The mans smiled. "But son, this beach stretches on for miles and miles and there are thousands of starfish. Do you really think you are making a difference?" The boy grabbed a star fish, gently tossed it back into the water and then looked up at the man. "I made a difference to that one."
They finsihed the story with saying this was their way of saying thank you for making a difference in their lives and the life of Rio.
This really touched me in a way that I can't really explain. Often when having to help families say goodbye to their babies I feel a sense of failure. I often feel like I let these families down. There unfortuneately is not always things that can be done. We try our best and sometimes it is not enough. Instead of feeling like I let them down, this family reminded me that for whatever time they had him I and other members of the NICU team had made a positive impact on their lives.
So the lesson reinforced to many of us this week, is to take time to hug and love those close to you, because death can be sudden and unexpected.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Patience Should be a Four Letter Word
Patience. One of the
blogs I follow, Amazingly Awake, had an interesting point in her ezine I got
this week. I started following her through a post on Pinterrest – “25 ways to
be a Calm Parent”. Now being a working
mom, and step mom, I am the first to admit that I am not always patient. It can be hard when one is pulled in 20
directions at once. So I eagerly looked at her site, and signed up to follow
her via email.
The email I got earlier this week before embarking on my
trip was o ne that included a patience challenge. When I first read the email I was struck at
the irony of getting a patience challenge as I was embarking on a solo trip
with a six month old.
Being an ICU nurse and practitioner, I am not well known for
patience. In fact, I have often said
that I skipped that line when traits were handed out. As long as I can remember, I have been less
than patient always wanting things done right in the quickest manner
possible. I could give you a million
reasons why I have not been patient – I could tell you it was beaten in to
me. In fact, that wouldn’t be far from
the truth. That however, is a separate
story.
Have recently
realized that my drive for perfection is dangerous to my happiness as a wife
and mother. I feel as is if in order to
show my family how much I love them, I have to have the perfect home, and get
everything done. My husband, bless his
soul, has often tried to tell me that I show my love in other ways, not just in
how many chores I get done. I admittedly have had a hard time believing
him. Perfection has been ingrained in me
as the way one establishes ones worth. My
drive fpr perfection often makes me less than patient with my family and life
in general.
As part of the Mom Challenge, the first one was to slow
down. This was a difficult one for me
and one that is going to take more than 1 week to work on. However, it does go along with patience quite
well. Things are not going to be perfect
100% of time and that is ok. Things are not always going to get done on my
schedule. As long as the important ones
get done in a timely manner I have to learn to live with that. I may not get the dusting done but if the
clothes are clean and the family fed and happy then it is ok. The dusting, vacuuming, etc are chores that
can wait for another day.
Traveling with Baby!
So this past week I embarked on my first trip solo with
Jack. We set off to my visit my
grandmother and grandfather and introduce Jack to his cousins and great aunts
and great uncles. I was terrified to be perfectly frank.
Being me I procrastinated until Sunday to start looking for
tips etc, and to pack. Did I mention
that Sunday was my fourth 10 hour shift in a row? Yep add on to that Jack was
sent home from daycare on Thursday with his another cold/fever and you have a
mommy on the verge of a breakdown.
Luckily one of my coworkers and friends was working in the
stepdown unit with me and she has traveled much farther with her young
children, to Canada. So I picked up some
handy tips from her and was feeling pretty good again. Then I googled traveling with infant and got
a little scared. The information out
there ranged from the extreme of don’t do it ever to travel and be proud,
babied cry etc. I went home from work,
and finished packing by about 10pm and got ready to get up at 4 am.
So up I got getting ready and the car packed before waking
up Jack. I got him dressed and we told
Daddy bye and headed off. Our trip got
off to less than a stellar start with a minor traffic accident on the way to
the airport. I was shaken but neither of
us were hurt and I believed the car to be driveable. So I get unloaded at the airport. I manage to juggle the luggage, the carryons,
the stroller, the carseat, and the baby.
Still shaken I attempt to maneuver my way into the airport by
myself. I get part of the way there and
lose the luggage for like the fifth time.
A nice stranger came up to me and said he would help me get my bags to
the counter. I could not thank him
again. He said no problem, he and his
wife had traveled with an infant before.
I thought to myself, man this trip is looking up! Then as I was checking in as people passed me
I started to hear people say things such as God hope he’s not on our flight. I
was like really? He’s still asleep in
his carseat. I tried to ignore it but
after hearing it close to 2 dozen times I got a little paranoid I mean up to
this point he hadn’t even let a peep out yet.
Then the travel gods smiled on me. There was another mom traveling solo with a 5
month old little boy. Forget that he was
twice the size of Jack I was just excited that I wasn’t a pariah alone. We ended up sharing a three seat. The flight attendant said well if someone
wants to sit here one of you will have to move.
I asked him if he really thought someone would want to sit with us and
he laughingly said no.
Jack did pretty good sleeping until landing in Houston. I never thought I would regret the fact that
Jack didn’t take a pacifier. Then came
the landing in Houston where I couldn’t get him to swallow or suck enough to
pop his ears. All of a sudden here was
the baby that everyone worried about having.
He was miserable, screaming and carrying on. Then all of a sudden you could tell his ears
had popped and he let out the hugest smile. The mom sitting next to me said
that even though there were bumps that she would consider my first trip a
success. Her praise made me feel so much
better about embarking on the journey alone.
There would be more ups and downs on the trip but no matter
what I knew that it would be ok. Some
people would always prejudge moms traveling with babies, and some people would
always be there with an encouraging word.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Day Care Drama
So Thursday I got a call from daycare in the middle of a staff meeting. My heart literally stopped. It was the first such call from daycare but I am sure it will not be the last.
Jack had been throwing up all day, running a fever, and they said he was lethargic. Now, note to self, lethargic to a nurse means something a lot different than to the lay person apparently. So i get to daycare as soon as I can.
We get home, and when I turn my back he starts crawling to his toys. Okay thats got to be a good sign I tell myself. Then I start to wonder, am I underreacting? Luckily, having good friends who are pediatric residents come in handy. She comes by, and reassures me that Jack is ok just a cold, but to be on the safe side she says she could come by on Saturday. I start to worry and then she asks whats for dinner.
OK all is well that ends well. I was terrified that Jack's cold would keep us from our upcoming trip to Texas to visit my grandparents. That should be a trip literally and figuratively.
Jack had been throwing up all day, running a fever, and they said he was lethargic. Now, note to self, lethargic to a nurse means something a lot different than to the lay person apparently. So i get to daycare as soon as I can.
We get home, and when I turn my back he starts crawling to his toys. Okay thats got to be a good sign I tell myself. Then I start to wonder, am I underreacting? Luckily, having good friends who are pediatric residents come in handy. She comes by, and reassures me that Jack is ok just a cold, but to be on the safe side she says she could come by on Saturday. I start to worry and then she asks whats for dinner.
OK all is well that ends well. I was terrified that Jack's cold would keep us from our upcoming trip to Texas to visit my grandparents. That should be a trip literally and figuratively.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Mom Challenge
So I happened upon this challenge on pinterest. I know I'm starting it a bit late but I think it will be very useful.
Week 2 of the Challenge is to slow down.
This poem is listed on the challenge and I agree with the blogger that it is a very good reminder to slow down. On another parenting blog I saw a figure that there are only 900 weeks of childhood. I know it might sound like a lot but with today being Jack's 6 month birthday I am struck at how first time goes by.
It is easy to get caught up in lists of things to do. It can also become a source of resentment if you feel like your list is never done. So this week I resolve to slow down. Letting the laundry sit or waiting on the dishes, won't be the end of the world. I'm gonna take time to cuddle with Jack, to play with my stepson and to take time to enjoy our little family. For Jack is definitely growing way to fast. It seems like just yesterday that the only time he would sleep was if I held him on my chest. Now he only wants to cuddle when he wants. I caught myself thinking earlier today that I wished he would want to be cuddled at an easier time. Now I wish I could take that thought back, for it won't be to long before hes going to be running wild after his brother.
How do you slow down though? How do you slow down without feeling like you are letting your family done because the chore list isn't done? That will be my struggle this week.
Any ideas or suggestions?
Week 2 of the Challenge is to slow down.
slow down mummy, there is no need to rush,
slow down mummy, what is all the fuss?
slow down mummy, make yourself a cup tea.
slow down mummy, come spend some time with me.
slow down mummy, let's pull boots on for a walk,
let's kick at piles of leaves, and smile and laugh and talk.
slow down mummy, you look ever so tired,
come sit and snuggle under the duvet, and rest with me a while.
slow down mummy, those dirty dishes can wait,
slow down mummy, let's have some fun - bake a cake!
slow down mummy, I know you work a lot,
but sometimes mummy, it's nice when you just stop.
sit with us a minute,
and listen to our day,
spend a cherished moment,
because our childhood won't stay!
~ R. Knight
(SourceThis poem is listed on the challenge and I agree with the blogger that it is a very good reminder to slow down. On another parenting blog I saw a figure that there are only 900 weeks of childhood. I know it might sound like a lot but with today being Jack's 6 month birthday I am struck at how first time goes by.
It is easy to get caught up in lists of things to do. It can also become a source of resentment if you feel like your list is never done. So this week I resolve to slow down. Letting the laundry sit or waiting on the dishes, won't be the end of the world. I'm gonna take time to cuddle with Jack, to play with my stepson and to take time to enjoy our little family. For Jack is definitely growing way to fast. It seems like just yesterday that the only time he would sleep was if I held him on my chest. Now he only wants to cuddle when he wants. I caught myself thinking earlier today that I wished he would want to be cuddled at an easier time. Now I wish I could take that thought back, for it won't be to long before hes going to be running wild after his brother.
How do you slow down though? How do you slow down without feeling like you are letting your family done because the chore list isn't done? That will be my struggle this week.
Any ideas or suggestions?
Happy Half Birthday!
Wow! Six months has flown by! Gone is my little baby and emerging is a growing little boy. No longer are we immobile. Now we scoot, roll, and babble up a storm. I know that we are in for it once the babble turns to words. I have learned so much in the last six months and can't wait for all you have to teach me.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
National Neonatal Nurse Day
Today is National Neonatal Nurse Day. I have worked with a lot of amazing neonatal nurses and nurse practitioners in the last almost 10 years. One thing true of all of them is their fierce dedication to the tiniest of patients.
As a NICU nurse and nurse practitioner, I was secretly scared my whole pregnancy that my baby would end up in NBICU. I was scared to have a sick baby - in part because of all that I have seen working in the NBICU. However, the one calming thought was that my baby would be in great hands if he was in the NBICU.
Throughout my pregnancy I had a couple of scares with preterm labor, gestational diabetes, multiple failed stress tests, early onset of contractions and cholestasis of pregnancy. Jackson, being stubborn (like his father) decided after multiple scares that he did want to come early and my water broke at 35 weeks. However, Jackson being Jackson changed his mind and I ended up with a c-section under general anesthesia. The first 3 hours of his life is literally a blur as I took awhile to be lucid after the c-section. My husband dutifully went between the recovery room and the NBICU and told me the story of his birth and admission multiple times (apparently). I was blessed in that Jackson did remarkable, was never on oxygen, and started eating as soon as I came over from the recovery room. We were discharged a little over 48 hours later from the NBICU. I was so relieved as a parent to know that there were such amazing nurses watching over my little guy.
Throughout my years in the NBICU there have been countless families that have touched my life and shaped my practice. Now that I am a parent I am even more in awe of all the families go through during their stay in the NBICU and after almost 6 months pumping I have a whole new respect for our moms. I can honestly say that for all its moments good and bad every family has taught me something about compassion, nursing, and neonatology. So today when we take time to say thank you to all the neonatal nurses I also want to say thank you to all the parents who let us take care of their precious babies and let us into their lives at such a difficult time.
As a NICU nurse and nurse practitioner, I was secretly scared my whole pregnancy that my baby would end up in NBICU. I was scared to have a sick baby - in part because of all that I have seen working in the NBICU. However, the one calming thought was that my baby would be in great hands if he was in the NBICU.
Throughout my pregnancy I had a couple of scares with preterm labor, gestational diabetes, multiple failed stress tests, early onset of contractions and cholestasis of pregnancy. Jackson, being stubborn (like his father) decided after multiple scares that he did want to come early and my water broke at 35 weeks. However, Jackson being Jackson changed his mind and I ended up with a c-section under general anesthesia. The first 3 hours of his life is literally a blur as I took awhile to be lucid after the c-section. My husband dutifully went between the recovery room and the NBICU and told me the story of his birth and admission multiple times (apparently). I was blessed in that Jackson did remarkable, was never on oxygen, and started eating as soon as I came over from the recovery room. We were discharged a little over 48 hours later from the NBICU. I was so relieved as a parent to know that there were such amazing nurses watching over my little guy.
Throughout my years in the NBICU there have been countless families that have touched my life and shaped my practice. Now that I am a parent I am even more in awe of all the families go through during their stay in the NBICU and after almost 6 months pumping I have a whole new respect for our moms. I can honestly say that for all its moments good and bad every family has taught me something about compassion, nursing, and neonatology. So today when we take time to say thank you to all the neonatal nurses I also want to say thank you to all the parents who let us take care of their precious babies and let us into their lives at such a difficult time.
Jackson Cooper Grassham in the NBICU on 3/17/2012
My little cool guy almost 6 months later!
Freezer/Slow Cooker Cooking
So my Pinterest addiction has had some very beneficial side effects. One of them has been the addition of freezer/slow cooker meals. I work 12-13 hours shifts which sometimes run closer to fifteen. Having the ability to have food ready when my husband comes home from work has greatly decreased our eating out bill. Well, until I fell off the prep ahead wagon. So once again I am making my list to head to the grocery store to restock my freezer.
I always wanted to make more home made meals but I wasn't sure when I was gonna find the time or the energy. Then there was pinterest and the pin on "Dump" Cooking. This post would change our families summer. Freezer slow cooking is the ultimate in plan ahead. I don't have to cook ahead and I don't have to do alot of hands on cooking.
For anyone that cooks I highly recommend looking into it. Don't be scared by the recipes where you spend a whole day actually cooking and then freezing. It can be as simple as plopping stuff in a gallon ziplock and then having 20+ meals ready to cook in less than 1 hr of work. I am putting some of my pinterest board links to where I keep my favorite recipes I have found.
http://pinterest.com/nicucourtney/freezer-meals/
http://pinterest.com/nicucourtney/slow-cooker/
I always wanted to make more home made meals but I wasn't sure when I was gonna find the time or the energy. Then there was pinterest and the pin on "Dump" Cooking. This post would change our families summer. Freezer slow cooking is the ultimate in plan ahead. I don't have to cook ahead and I don't have to do alot of hands on cooking.
For anyone that cooks I highly recommend looking into it. Don't be scared by the recipes where you spend a whole day actually cooking and then freezing. It can be as simple as plopping stuff in a gallon ziplock and then having 20+ meals ready to cook in less than 1 hr of work. I am putting some of my pinterest board links to where I keep my favorite recipes I have found.
http://pinterest.com/nicucourtney/freezer-meals/
http://pinterest.com/nicucourtney/slow-cooker/
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
The End of an Era
As a first time mom I was nervous about breastfeeding. My job as a neonatal nurse practitioner added a little bit more stress because I knew how important it was especially since Jack would be going to daycare.
Then Jack wouldn't nurse.
He had been born a little early at 35 weeks, so I was super paranoid about making sure he ate enough so I started to pump and give a bottle. I still tried to nurse but it got harder and harder and then there was reflux. Now as a neonatal nurse I have been puked on a fair number of times and I thought there was no way I could be surprised. Note to self - NEVER EVER EVER say you can't be surprised.
Jack would have such bad reflux that I could feel it come up and he literally would have projectile vomit that cleared a good 3 feet.
I was shocked. His vomiting was so impressives that my stepson said we should sell tickets to see Jack. I was like what? He went on to explain that we could feed Jack turn him towards the crowd and say wait for it, wait for it, and then let Jack spray the crowd. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry because my step son was right.
It wasn't the laundry I minded it was the screaming and the clear pain that he was in. Then I would try to breastfeed him and you would think I was poking him with a hot poker. With the reflux, we found that in addition to the medicine if we thickened with rice cereal he no longer resembled a human puke canyon.
So I pumped, and I pumped, and I pumped. While I stayedd home I pumped every 3 hours. I had a decent amount of milk in the fridge. Then I went to work. In a job where lunch and bathroom breaks was not always guaranteed, I was determined to continue to pump. So I became a multitasker. I could pump, type my notes, and eat lunch. Then the dreaded happen - I started getting less. Jack was 4 months old and I wasn't ready to quit. So I took the herbs, the teas, woke up to pump in the middle of the night. My milk came back and I was ecstatic.
Then came Labor Day. We were in Colorado visiting my brother. I was pumping and not getting much and then my stepson accidentally knocked over the bottle spilling what little I had. I was so upset I thought I was gonna have a breakdown. I remember looking at my husband and thinking I can't do this anymore.
I was devastated. I felt like a failure. Not inly had I not been able to nurse my child but I didn't make it to my goal of 6 months. But you know what, after I accepted that I was not gonna be able to keep doing it I felt relieved. Finally, I could relax and enjoy feeding the baby, playing with him and not obsessing about my milk.
My husband told me something that really made it better - he said you have worked so hard and you have done the best you can. I am proud of you. It seemed like I was off the hook. Who knows, maybe next time it will be different - either better or worse. But I am convinced that I gave it my all.
Bye Bye Pump.
Then Jack wouldn't nurse.
He had been born a little early at 35 weeks, so I was super paranoid about making sure he ate enough so I started to pump and give a bottle. I still tried to nurse but it got harder and harder and then there was reflux. Now as a neonatal nurse I have been puked on a fair number of times and I thought there was no way I could be surprised. Note to self - NEVER EVER EVER say you can't be surprised.
Jack would have such bad reflux that I could feel it come up and he literally would have projectile vomit that cleared a good 3 feet.
I was shocked. His vomiting was so impressives that my stepson said we should sell tickets to see Jack. I was like what? He went on to explain that we could feed Jack turn him towards the crowd and say wait for it, wait for it, and then let Jack spray the crowd. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry because my step son was right.
It wasn't the laundry I minded it was the screaming and the clear pain that he was in. Then I would try to breastfeed him and you would think I was poking him with a hot poker. With the reflux, we found that in addition to the medicine if we thickened with rice cereal he no longer resembled a human puke canyon.
So I pumped, and I pumped, and I pumped. While I stayedd home I pumped every 3 hours. I had a decent amount of milk in the fridge. Then I went to work. In a job where lunch and bathroom breaks was not always guaranteed, I was determined to continue to pump. So I became a multitasker. I could pump, type my notes, and eat lunch. Then the dreaded happen - I started getting less. Jack was 4 months old and I wasn't ready to quit. So I took the herbs, the teas, woke up to pump in the middle of the night. My milk came back and I was ecstatic.
Then came Labor Day. We were in Colorado visiting my brother. I was pumping and not getting much and then my stepson accidentally knocked over the bottle spilling what little I had. I was so upset I thought I was gonna have a breakdown. I remember looking at my husband and thinking I can't do this anymore.
I was devastated. I felt like a failure. Not inly had I not been able to nurse my child but I didn't make it to my goal of 6 months. But you know what, after I accepted that I was not gonna be able to keep doing it I felt relieved. Finally, I could relax and enjoy feeding the baby, playing with him and not obsessing about my milk.
My husband told me something that really made it better - he said you have worked so hard and you have done the best you can. I am proud of you. It seemed like I was off the hook. Who knows, maybe next time it will be different - either better or worse. But I am convinced that I gave it my all.
Bye Bye Pump.
Mourning
The hardest part of my job, is finding the right words to say when I have to tell a family that we can do no more to save their precious baby. After a particularly hard weekend, I have looked for some poems on line that share some sentiments I want to keep in mind.
A million times I've missed you, a million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
To some you are forgotten, to others just part of the past;
but to me who loved and lost you, your love will always last.
It broke my heart to lose you, you didn't go alone,
for my life went with you -sweetheart- the day angels called you home.
For things on earth didn't matter, but now I feel so alone,
My heart will always be broken, my life will never be whole.
We might be parted for awhile, our hearts will always be together
for one day soon we will hold hands again forever.
~Unknown
I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.
I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.
She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.
Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.
So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.
~Authour Unknown
Gone Too Soon
This was a life that hardly begun
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime
No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime
Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayel, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime..
~Authour Unknown
They Say There is a Reason
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown
A million times I've missed you, a million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
To some you are forgotten, to others just part of the past;
but to me who loved and lost you, your love will always last.
It broke my heart to lose you, you didn't go alone,
for my life went with you -sweetheart- the day angels called you home.
For things on earth didn't matter, but now I feel so alone,
My heart will always be broken, my life will never be whole.
We might be parted for awhile, our hearts will always be together
for one day soon we will hold hands again forever.
~Unknown
I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.
I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.
She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.
Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.
So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.
~Authour Unknown
Gone Too Soon
This was a life that hardly begun
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime
No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime
Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayel, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime..
~Authour Unknown
They Say There is a Reason
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown
Monday, September 10, 2012
As a neonatal nurse practitioner, there have always been those days
that just make you stop and wonder why. Why do bad things happen to
good people? Why am I so blessed? Why couldn't I do more?
This
weekend was one of those times. It was one of the hardest weekends I've
had at work emotionally since I had Jack. There is a patient I have
been taking care of since shortly after I came back from maternity
leave. He was born early and faced many obstacles but was such a strong
little boy. This weekend his fight and struggle came to an end. I
watched as two parents who loved their son so much, made the difficult
to choice to let him stop fighting. On his three month birthday, we
reached the point that I never want to be at. There was nothing more we
could offer and despite all we were doing he was not getting better.
So after difficult discussions with the parents we took him outside.
For the first time in his life he felt the sun, he felt the breeze, and
at that moment we took his tube out. His parents got to see his face
without tape for the first time ever. The heartbreak those parents
experienced will never leave me. I hope to never be in their shoes. I
came home that night, three hours late, and woke JAck up. Despite the
scares with the pregnancy and labor, Jackson is happy and healthy. He
wasn't pleased with being woken up at first but then he smiled and
laughed in my arms. My heart just breaks for parents who go through so
much and still don't get to go home and snuggle with their precious
little gift. I hate that sometimes I have to tell families that medicine can't fix everything. I hate having to tell them that sometimes, babies die.
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Day Care Blues
So, Jack has been at day care for a little over a month now. Or 3 colds, and 1 case of pinkeye.
I have decided that picking Jack up is way easier than dropping him off. I normally drop him off and my husband picks him up. Its been over a month and while Jack often smiles and laughs when I drop him off (he is very social) I often feel like crying. Especially when he doesn't seem to mind me leaving. However, this week I am in the step down unit instead of ICU and I am working shorter days (10 hours compared to 13hrs+). So I have been picking up Jack and I love how when I wake him up to get him at daycare he gets so excited. He is laughing and cooing and always wants to snuggle in close to me. So even though I am working more days this week, it is nice to have more awake time with him. One other good note is that my milk seems to have come in more thanks to fenugreek and more milk plus supplements. I really want to make it to 6 months of breastmilk. I have so much more respect for all the NICU moms who pump for so long.
I have decided that picking Jack up is way easier than dropping him off. I normally drop him off and my husband picks him up. Its been over a month and while Jack often smiles and laughs when I drop him off (he is very social) I often feel like crying. Especially when he doesn't seem to mind me leaving. However, this week I am in the step down unit instead of ICU and I am working shorter days (10 hours compared to 13hrs+). So I have been picking up Jack and I love how when I wake him up to get him at daycare he gets so excited. He is laughing and cooing and always wants to snuggle in close to me. So even though I am working more days this week, it is nice to have more awake time with him. One other good note is that my milk seems to have come in more thanks to fenugreek and more milk plus supplements. I really want to make it to 6 months of breastmilk. I have so much more respect for all the NICU moms who pump for so long.
Monday, August 20, 2012
More about Me
I am a neonatal nurse practitioner. I love my job. I love the ups the downs, the dramas and getting to know amazing families. I grow as a person every day that I work and help families through such a precious but difficult time.
I have always dreamed of having a family of my own. I was blessed with an amazing husband who is truly my best friend. I was also blessed to be a part of his son's life and T always makes me smile and strive to be a better step parent. St. Patrick's day of 2012 we were blessed with an amazing little boy named Jackson Cooper. Thus my family was getting a little fuller and a lot more crazy.
The pregnancy wasn't easy. It seemed like if there was a complication I found it. Cholestasis of pregnancy (i looked like I was attacked by a werewolf!), gestational diabetes (so much for all you can eat ice cream while pregnant), several preterm labor scares and final premature rupture of membranes at 35 weeks. I should have known that the delivery would be anything but a piece of cake. So an induction was started, and then well Jackson changed his mind (after over 4 hours of pushing) and because of my history of back surgery ended up undergoing a general anesthesia c-section. John tells the story best he was going back and forth from the NICU to the recovery room and he says I asked at least a dozen times how the baby was. Finally, after 3 hours I was awake enough from the general to go to the NICU to see my little Lucky Charm.
He to did things his own way (his dad and my coworkers blame me) and ripped out his iv and started eating all within 12 hours. He did remarkably well and was home within 48 hours. Little did I know that the rollar coaster had just begun. As a Neonatal nurse practitioner, I am well aware of babies and reflux. I never doubted families when they said it was painful for their children. However, apparently it was one of many lessons that apparently Jack was sent to teach me. Five months later we still have good and bad days with the reflux.
So why a blog? In part because I have found so much comfort in reading others blogs, in part because I've always wondered about it.
So there you have it here is the start of my journey to becoming a better wife, stepmother, and mother.
I have always dreamed of having a family of my own. I was blessed with an amazing husband who is truly my best friend. I was also blessed to be a part of his son's life and T always makes me smile and strive to be a better step parent. St. Patrick's day of 2012 we were blessed with an amazing little boy named Jackson Cooper. Thus my family was getting a little fuller and a lot more crazy.
The pregnancy wasn't easy. It seemed like if there was a complication I found it. Cholestasis of pregnancy (i looked like I was attacked by a werewolf!), gestational diabetes (so much for all you can eat ice cream while pregnant), several preterm labor scares and final premature rupture of membranes at 35 weeks. I should have known that the delivery would be anything but a piece of cake. So an induction was started, and then well Jackson changed his mind (after over 4 hours of pushing) and because of my history of back surgery ended up undergoing a general anesthesia c-section. John tells the story best he was going back and forth from the NICU to the recovery room and he says I asked at least a dozen times how the baby was. Finally, after 3 hours I was awake enough from the general to go to the NICU to see my little Lucky Charm.
He to did things his own way (his dad and my coworkers blame me) and ripped out his iv and started eating all within 12 hours. He did remarkably well and was home within 48 hours. Little did I know that the rollar coaster had just begun. As a Neonatal nurse practitioner, I am well aware of babies and reflux. I never doubted families when they said it was painful for their children. However, apparently it was one of many lessons that apparently Jack was sent to teach me. Five months later we still have good and bad days with the reflux.
So why a blog? In part because I have found so much comfort in reading others blogs, in part because I've always wondered about it.
So there you have it here is the start of my journey to becoming a better wife, stepmother, and mother.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Resources for Moms who Pump
As a first time mom and a NICU nurse I wanted to exclusively breastfeed. However, Jack was born 5 weeks early, and had horrible reflux. He absolutely refused to nurse. So I have been pumping since. Jack will be five months in 2 days and I wish I had found this website earlier.
Exclusive Pumping (Resources)
Exclusive Pumping (Resources)
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