As a neonatal nurse practitioner, there have always been those days that just make you stop and wonder why.  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why am I so blessed?  Why couldn't I do more?

This weekend was one of those times. It was one of the hardest weekends I've had at work emotionally since I had Jack. There is a patient I have been taking care of since shortly after I came back from maternity leave.  He was born early and faced many obstacles but was such a strong little boy.  This weekend his fight and struggle came to an end.  I watched as two parents who loved their son so much, made the difficult to choice to let him stop fighting.  On his three month birthday, we reached the point that I never want to be at.  There was nothing more we could offer and despite all we were doing he was not getting better.  So after difficult discussions with the parents we took him outside.  For the first time in his life he felt the sun, he felt the breeze, and at that moment we took his tube out.  His parents got to see his face without tape for the first time ever.  The heartbreak those parents experienced will never leave me.  I hope to never be in their shoes.  I came home that night, three hours late, and woke JAck up.  Despite the scares with the pregnancy and labor, Jackson is happy and healthy.  He wasn't pleased with being woken up at first but then he smiled and laughed in my arms.  My heart just breaks for parents who go through so much and still don't get to go home and snuggle with their precious little gift.  I hate that sometimes I have to tell families that medicine can't fix everything.  I hate having to tell them that sometimes, babies die.

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown